<p>My life was a living hell as a teenager, yet most of my every day life was built on pretending to be okay, when I was not. My only escape, was A chat. A chat I could be myself, and not have to worry about everyone judging me, because I had ‘friends’ who accepted me, for me. I didn’t have to worry about making a mistake I didn’t cause, because all of it was just a dream that couldn’t become reality. At least I thought it couldn’t have been. But then I met him. After being on that chat for so long, no one has ever sparked my interest as much as he did. I never once got so anxious to get to know someone so quickly. I never once wanted to burry myself into someone’s heart so deep, they’d have to pry me out, and even that wasn’t possible without death being involved. But with him, I wanted to do all of that. I wanted him to be my favorite recipe. My everything. I wanted to be his, and he mine. Even if I were just a teenager, wanting what every girl wanted, their “Prince charming,” I knew what type of person he really was. One who could capture your heart with just a pull of a string, like he had with mine. But even though I knew that my Prince Charming, wasn’t so charming, I wanted to give it a chance anyways. Figuring I could work some magic of my own. Because everyone had a reason as to why they are the person they are today. He happened to be a reckless one. Yet I was hoping to change that.</p>
<p>He and I started talking every day, all day. I’m pretty sure we would’ve talked all night as well, if we didn’t need the rest for school or life in general. I got to know the good part of him, the image he hid from others. I fell in love with this disguised man. I knew the trouble I’d be getting myself into. But at the time, I didn’t care. I hoped that my growing love for him, would be enough to enlighten him. To ease him of worries, and sadness. To put an end to this reckless behavior. I thought it worked. For a while at least.</p>
<p>I still remember how we became one. I was so thrilled, and impatient to be his one and only, I asked him out myself before he had gotten the opportunity to. But in conclusion, I was the one to end things by saying Yes. I became this reckless man’s girlfriend. And boy, was I happy. I also believed I was lucky to have met such a man. My dream was finally becoming reality. I wasn’t really into long distance relationships, but with him. It felt like he was actually here. He listened to my every problem, he comforted me when I needed it. He knew me inside and out, and still believed that I was absolutely stunning.</p>
<p>But, what he always said; “Shit happens.” Except, for me I’d have to say “But then, shit happened.” And by that I mean, rumors have been spread, and I experienced a very alarming, upsetting scenery out in main one day on chat, with some of his friends. I felt like I were just a toy, set on display for his pleasure. A lot of thoughts just jumbled back, I began to re-think what I’ve been dreading. What if he hasn’t changed? What if I’m just temporary in his eyes, when he is permanent in mine? What if, he has more than one princess in his life…? I didn’t want to wait and find that out. For once in my life, I made a mistake, I guess you could say. I broke up with him. All for what? Nothing. But we were both still young, and very careless. I guess it was for the best, at the time. Because even if things had ended, he didn’t seem to care. The fight was given up easily. I was let go easily. He moved on, easily. Like he always told me, shit happens.</p>
<p>Ever since, I just couldn’t forget about how well he treated me, regardless of who he was, and his past mistakes. Regardless of what happened. I felt very stupid, to have felt this way. But I missed him terribly, and it hurt to think of myself, with someone else. So again, we started to talk again. Everything fell into place, as if he had never left. He was the same Prince in disguise, I had left him as. Things sparked, we re-connected. Forgot about the kids we were in the past. Again, I fell in love with him. But I was smart, and old enough to know that what I felt, was real; even though he hadn’t felt the same. He’d always tell me “I love-” then shortly after, he’d end it with “I LOVE PIE.” Like the tease, and dork he was. It hurt, every time. But I kept a smile anyways. Every chance I wanted to become his girlfriend, or more than just a friend, because what we had was more than that. He was just too in denial to realize that. He was always slow at realizing things. We fought and fought and fought. Why? Because I loved him. I’d say it every time, and every time he’d walk away. I felt pathetic for chasing after something, that obviously didn’t want me. We had our moments, where he spoke with words that filled my heart with butterflies, and my eyes with glimmering stars. But then we had our others. I stayed though. Through every fight, because I loved him. At least I thought I would..</p>
<p>One day he finally admitted as to why he couldn’t move from where he was. I thought it was going to be something simple, boy was I wrong. After hearing he had also been talking to another girl, it broke my heart. I immediately started to tear up, I always was a baby. He exclaimed how he hasn’t been doing more than what he was doing with me, but with her. He just couldn’t decide. He needed time, he told me. Again, I felt pathetic and heart broken. Because I knew what I wanted. Him. I was so upset, at what he had just told me, that I wanted to run. Why? Because all this time, he still couldn’t decide whether he loved me or not. All it would’ve took was “Hey, I love Kait, but I like her.” I wanted him to be happy, even if being happy, wasn’t with me. So I left. And what do you know. He and she had gotten together. And I was broke. “At least he’s happy”, I thought.</p>
<p>I came back shortly after, he was very furious with me. He disliked the fact that his best friend had left, but I had my reasons. Although I had left, because I was hurt, he still let me back into his life. Again, I fell for him when we began talking again. He was dating someone though, so of course I stuck around like a puppy on a leash, even though I referred myself as a cat. I was very angry at myself, for having these feelings. Again. After I tried so hard to get rid of them, doing and getting myself into reckless and dangerous things. But, I still stayed. And soon, he was single again. I had my hopes very high. We became more than friends, but less than girlfriend and boyfriend. Every day, I had hoped he’d ask me out. But every time, he’d always remind me that he wasn’t prepared. Relationships, and commitment were a fear to him, even though his fear was already there. We were loyal. He was the first I texted when I woke up, and the first to see me off to bed. He was my first in everything. He just didn’t realize that. “Baka..” I always thought to myself. “Baka.. I love you. Can’t you see that I’m not like the rest? Why must you keep me waiting, when waiting was all I have ever done with you.” I forgave him for every mistake he made, every fight he caused, and every bad mood he was in, when he brought mine down too. While I was trying to fix him, he was hurting me. I even forgave him, for holding another girls hand, behind my back for entire week. I trusted him. I believed in him. But… I forgave him. For once, he held me tight and beg and pleaded for me not to go. For once, I felt like he truly loved me, he just didn’t know it yet.</p>
<p>Everything after that point was rather unclear. All I can remember, is he broke my heart yet again, because he apparently still wasn’t ready for a relationship. And talking to a guy named James. I thought I could move on, and be happy for once. I thought I could finally get over that prince in disguise. That guy, I wrote paragraph after paragraph for. He was my story. I thought, finally. Someone who is maybe not afraid of being with me. Again, was I most definitely wrong. Again, it was the same Prince Charming in disguise, I have loved for such a long time. Again, I fell. I thought, that maybe this time it’ll work out. Maybe he has learnt and realized his mistakes. Maybe he’ll want me again, and finally beat that fear he held so deep within. Just maybe, we could finally have something. And I wasn’t going to run away this time. Not after he disguised himself as James, just to talk to me. He missed me. And I missed him. Every day, I was praying and hoping for a text or phone call. It never happened. But then I met him, but as James.</p>
<p>Instead of ranting about how terribly in love with this man, I was. We finally began dating. And instead of “I love pie.” It was “I love you.” Every fear I had, he erased. All but one. His ex girlfriend. We fought a lot, and a lot of times we grew distant from one another. But he never understood, that’s what made us stronger. Every time I thought of leaving, I knew I’d live in regret doing, because I loved this man. Despite his flaws. Despite how many stupid fights he caused, regardless of how many tears I’ve shed. Although I knew I wouldn’t leave, that fear became reality. He let me go. He said he loved me, but yet he let me go. For something that had been long destroyed in the past. For someone he claimed to have feelings for, but had loved me. I cried. I cried so hard that night. I tried so hard to keep us together, but all it took was one girl, a few past feelings, to let his present girlfriend go. Someone he loved, and who loved him too. Every night after that, I did nothing but cry and ask myself, was this really happening? Could this please, just be a dream. Every night, I waited for that hope of forgiveness from him, that never came. He wanted to be friends.. He wanted to be friends. Unfortunately, I could not be. I wasn’t happy. I loved him. Even if I was hurt, and cut so deep, I loved him. Still. But because I avoided him. I deleted things, that were created for him. He stopped. He moved on, and I let him. Because I knew, I’d only beg and plead for him to realize how much of a Baka he was being. I knew that I’d still love him, and I’d still wait. I’d smile, and just pray he’d come home. But, I was sadly no longer his home. His dream. His wish. All he could think about, was her now.</p>
<p>Again, we parted for such a long time. And ever since, I couldn’t help but cry just thinking of him. While I was still in denial, he was already moving on, without me. What an ache that was, to know. I told myself I was done with love. I was done with people. That “love was just another slow form of suicide.” But then I met her. Things clicked. She has been through the same things, I have been through. And because of her, I realized I was the stupid one for not letting go. I fell for her. Not love, but like. I was finally getting better. But I’d end up calling, and crying over him. Who I still missed. He was my everything. She was fixing, what he left behind. I was slowly getting better, and still am. I truly like her. I can’t say I love. But I hope to spill those words one day. One day.
Even though she and I are now dating. Thoughts are always ruining my hopes. I don’t feel as happy as I could be. I still think of him, but not as often. I still cry, but not as much- because I have someone to remind me of what I have now. Someone reminding me, to not make the same mistakes he had. By letting go, of someone who loves me. And because of that, I realized the tables had turned. I am now him, looking back on that person I once loved, who destroyed my heart until there was nothing left but a feeling that can never go away; while being with someone who loves me, and is willing to create a better future, better memories, and is wiling to stick through it all. I realized, that if I turned back, I’d be making the same mistake he had. He is now a past, I can’t turn back to. At the time, he was my future. But he made the mistake of turning. He let go of his present. Something that could’ve blossomed into something more. For something, that had been destroyed in the past. He let go of me. He is his ex-girlfriend. And now that I know that, even if my heart lifts when I talk to him, even if I get nervous at the thought of hearing his voice, even if I’m so tempted to make him mine, even if he’s still that same prince in disguise, I know that I’ll always feel this way for him. I know, that I couldn’t love her, as much as I love him. But I know, that within time I can. Like he could have, with me. I know, that I’ll be okay now. I’ll be that best friend, he always needed. I’ll be there, I’ll laugh and shed a few tears. But I’ll smile, knowing that everything will be okay now. I don’t have to put up a fight anymore. I don’t have to wait anymore. I can peacefully wish for his happiness, and pray that he never makes the same mistakes. He will always have the biggest heart, and brain. He just has to one day, figure out how to really adapt to it. He’ll always hold a place in my heart. This past, will never be forgotten. But it will be turned, into a brighter future. He disperses happiness, and so do I.